I woke up this morning to find he emptied out our account. Not taking into consideration the rent check I just sent out and mine and his surcharges for the DMV, along with daycare expenses and utility and phone bills. Just like that, it's all gone.

He was relieved from duty today from what I heard because he'd been crying all night.

I finally got him to call me so I could talk about expenses. He said a lot of hurtful things, and I found myself taking it and telling him I was sorry and that I loved him.

I really feel like I am dying. Like he is my lifesource and I can't breathe without him. I shouldn't feel this way... yesterday I was kind of relieved we were done.

I can't explain it. I don't know.
All I do know is he said how hurt he was when I said he wasn't really a dad.
He said it was the most hurtful thing I've ever said to him.
Does he even remember all the things he's said to me over our whole relationship? Constantly calling me a stupid bitch, and calling me a "babysitter" and a psycho bitch?

I know I'm not entirely wrong. I know that I've done a good job, I've been a good girlfriend.
I guess I'm also upset that after all I gave up to be with him and after all we've been through, he'd still care just a little.

But he's willing to throw everything away within 5 minutes.
Just like that.

Never make someone your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.

Okay. I logged in to leave someone a comment so I might as well update. He will be home in 68 days, and then I most likely will have to stop all ways of living. No more writing in here unless I can really sneak it. No more hanging out with my friends because he doesn't let me go anywhere by myself, nor would he let me hang out with half of my friends even with him because how he feels about them. No more relaxing on Myspace because all he ever does is nag when I am on the computer for any reason. No more sleeping in because he will call me lazy and bug me until I wake up even if I deserve to sleep. No more time to myself after the kids are in bed because he views me wanting to be alone as a sign that I hate him.

I'm scared. We will fight so much.

The month of March has been good to us... I've been happier, hence we haven't fought because I just let everything slide. But around time came for my period and I have a serious hormonal issue, not just in my head, where I lash out on everyone right before my period. I can't stay awake... I literally sleep half the day. I cannot focus. I feel sad and angry. Then it's due to dissipate by the end of this cycle. And I told him what was happening and that I didn't want to fight so he needed to be patient with me or just not talk to me during this time... but he just picked a fight when I started being sarcastic and wonders why it blew so out of proportion.

We have like $9,000 combined though. I keep taking loose change and putting it into my savings account, which is separate from our joint account. So the day when we part I will have something of my own. I am not stealing his money, mind you... this is literally change from after buying groceries. If I have 2 bucks in change, it goes in there. If I get child support money for my other child, I put a little bit in there. If the girls receive birthday money or holiday money, it goes in there. If I sell anything, if I make money in any way... you get the point. This is my safety net and it's the one thing I have he cannot touch.

But without him physically here, there is not much else I can say. 2 more months and I'm sure this blog will become something of interest for drama-lovers.